Hey, why don't you have a fancier web site? I mean, you're a museum.

At The Museum, we decided to allocate budget to the acquisition and display of art. A “fancier” website would mean fewer works of art for the public to view. Art costs money. We also made the decision, in 1997, to continue giving every worker at The Museum completely free health insurance. This costs way more than art.

OK, but how about some Flash?

The Museum is against conveying information in a manner which requires anyone to acquire a “plug-in” or to “upgrade” their browser. Plug-ins are the scourge of the modern world, second only to people who use classical music as their cell phone ring tone, in the mistaken belief that it will be soothing for the rest of us.

Are you hiring?

The Museum is always accepting applications and resumes. Unlike many institutions, we really do keep all resumes and applications on file for a minimum of two years. The bad news is that this filing cabinet is located in a closet along a back hallway which is essentially a dead end. However, if you are applying for a position in Coat Check, we will interview you and hire you within the same day.

Why do you make seniors pay so much to visit The Museum? Other cultural institutions offer seniors a big discount.

Despite what they will tell you, seniors have all the money. Think about it. In addition, as Baby Boomers age, we want to be proactive and collect a reasonable amount they are quite able to pay. They've spent their entire lives acquiring wealth, spending money on ridiculous items like windsurf boards and good pot. They can afford to share the wealth and, in the process, pay for some art. Art is expensive.

Do you offer art classes or programs for children?

Not if we can avoid doing so. However, we do offer special Family Dayz on Sundays. This special day of activities often includes folk singing, projects involving glitter and a lot of glue, and cookies served with tiny cups of fruit juice, playing to the universal love children have for crafting and eating sugar.

Why are your lobby bathrooms so frequently overrun with vagrants?

While vagrants, hobos and street people can't afford to pay our steep admission prices, they can use our lobby bathrooms for free. When living without a home, it's often difficult to take care of basic hygiene needs. Thus, our bathroom serves as a pit stop for teeth brushing, hair washing, vomiting and, of course, bowel movements. We hate to spell this out in such crass language but, hey, you asked.

My car was broken into while I was visiting The Museum. Is The Museum responsible?

Of course not. In all likelihood, you forgot to lock your car. Or you forgot to look around for bandits before leaving the parking ramp. And you failed to notice our sign that clearly states we are not responsible for any thefts, car fires or general car difficulties. We suggest you abandon your car altogether and try taking the bus.

I don't understand modern art. Any tips on making sense of it?

We've found that drugs help.