Installation 10: Every Dog Has Its Day previous
Despite
the objections of Phillip Mantou, The Museum moved ahead with plans for
exhibiting Ride the Snake: The Afterlife of Prince Anka. Julia
reviewed slides of elaborately bejeweled penis rests for days, trying
to decide which one to send to the newspapers to promote the show. The
Graphics Department worked on the promotional materials and decided, after
several closed-door meetings with The Director, to slightly reduce the
size of Anka's member in the official poster photo as a gesture of decency.
After all, the posters were to be displayed all over town, including public
libraries.
In all other areas, however, The Director insisted upon playing up the sexual nature of the show. He officially announced James Trehorn, his assistant, as head of the committee to plan what The Director referred to as Anka Orgy, the opening party for the exhibit. There were those who felt that James was the wrong choice. “He's too Nordic; too repressed” Mary Ellen Hightower said while snacking on lefse in the staff lounge. But there were methods behind The Director's madness, certain distinctions that made James the perfect choice to head the committee:
1. Sexual ambiguity. Much collective energy at the museum had been spent trying to determine if James was gay or straight, homo or hetero. In five years, no one had come up with anything conclusive, which only served to heighten his overall attractiveness. After all, everyone loves a good mystery. It seemed to The Director that, faced with the charge of putting on a planned orgy that could not, in fact, be an orgy after all, it was best to appeal to someone who knew how to elude sex and sexuality at every turn while still enticing people. In his entire time working at The Museum, James had only come to one opening with a date. It was for the Monet exhibit, Haystacks and Water Lilies, and James arrived with a slim woman named Anna, which caused quite a bit of whispering. But then he went overboard and, once properly drunk, stuck his tongue down Anna's throat right in front of Rouen Cathedral. Julia summed it up best when she asserted, on the Monday after the opening, “It was like he had something to prove!”
2. Discerning taste. James let it be known, through casual but careful conversations with The Director, that the debacle of the Living Statues hired for the ancient Greek sculpture exhibit Measure of a Man, would not be repeated. One of the statues goosed Barbara Conwell from Accounting as she selected a stuffed mushroom from a tray. Barbara, who was married with three children and was only at the opening because she'd felt pressured by everyone in her department to “live a little,” slapped the statue and called his performance “low rent.” James intimated that his tastes in entertainment, even the bawdy sort, skewed more towards the traditional or quiet. Jazz, not rock. Burlesque, not pole dancing. It gave The Director peace of mind.
3. Fiscal responsibility. The budget for the Measure of a Man opening party had blown apart, with rampant spending on the Statues, on oxygen bar and a maze constructed entirely of silk gauze. It was time to tighten museum purse strings and, when faced with the prospect of being fiscally conservative, most people look to the person in the room wearing the bow tie. Although no one could really speak to how James would handle the funds, they pointed to various indicators that implied financial security – clean fingernails, well-tailored pants, a fondness for shopping at Whole Foods and the ability to purchase, on the very day it came out, the Barbra Streisand: All My Best DVD box set (all of Barbra’s movies with the exception of Yentl.)
4. Good looks. There was no denying that morale would be improved among members of the committee if they had someone attractive to stare at during the two-hour meetings while daydreaming about steamy sex on top of a rumpled tweed sport coat. Who better to appease both sides of the aisle than James?
5. Politics. As assistant to The Director, James had his slender fingers in every pie, from parking to how much of a discount staff would receive in The Museum store during Appreciation Week. (Some used the fact that, since James’ tenure as assistant, the percentage of discount had risen from a very standard 15% to a heady 25 % as more fodder for the sexual ambiguity question stated in point #1.) In any case, having James in charge was the next best thing to The Director being in charge himself. James would report all the rumors, the gossip, the strained relationships. People who wanted favors would suck up to James, give him gifts to pass along to The Director. After all, as with any machine, The Museum required a lot of grease.