Installation 12: On Message previous
Julia, Director of Public Relations, had one of her rare weeks where she actually came in to work. She arrived at 9:30 on Monday morning, scaring Phoebe when she rounded the corner without warning.
“Julia,” Phoebe said. “'What are you doing here?”
“I'm working,” Julia said, looking around suspiciously. “Why?”
“Nothing,” Phoebe said. “I don't think I've ever seen you in the morning before. Is everything OK?”
“I'm starting fresh,” Julia said.
She unlocked her office door and flipped on the light. “It's cold in here,” she said.
“I think we need to call maintenance,” Phoebe said, already looking for the number. “They shut off heat to that room.”
Julia cleaned her office. She made some phone calls. She answered a few e-mails, although the bulk of them she deleted, figuring someone must have resolved them by now. Then she sat back and closed her eyes. She was bored.
“Phoebe,” she said. “I'm going to call a meeting. I want you to come too. We need to start the media plan for Ride the Snake.”
The meeting took place on Wednesday. The usual suspects were present – besides Carlotta and Phoebe there was Penny Griffith, Phillip Mantou and Ken Sorrell, Director of Publications & Design.
“I think it will be very important to work just the right angle with our marketing efforts,” Carlotta said. “We need to be hip and edgy without being vulgar. I was thinking of making some postcards and having some kids put them on people's windshields while they're parked downtown.”
“We need to get on the evening news,” Penny said. “Maybe we put a big statue of Anka with his privates hidden behind a giant cloth outside the museum, like a big tease. You have to come inside and see the exhibit to find out what all the fuss is about.”
“But where would we find a cloth that large?” Phoebe asked.
“No,” Carlotta said, rejecting the idea. “Because at some point we would have to pull the cloth down. I mean, people would expect it. And then what? A statue with a giant schlong?”
Carlotta erupted into gales of laughter, followed by Julia and Penny. They were having a good time thinking of all the slang words they could for penis. Phoebe sighed and went back to doodling.
“Honestly,” Phillip slurred from his corner of the table, momentarily coming to life. “You're making a mockery of this. An absolute mockery.”
“Phillip, we're just kidding around,” Julia said.
“Well...” Phillip said and paused as if he'd already forgotten what they'd been talking about.
“We do need to make sure this exhibit stays on message,” Carlotta said.
“What does that mean?” Penny asked.
“We need to have a message that stays within our brand identity,” Julia said. “We paid a lot of money to get an identity, and I don't want to squander it with some filthy exhibit.”
“I don't get it,” Penny said.
“OK, here are the words we are supposed to use to describe ourselves,” Julia said. “Warm, creative, welcoming, family, convenient...”
“Family?” Carlotta said. “I guess we're in trouble there.”
“What kind of word is 'convenient' to describe art?” Phillip yelled. “Art is not convenient. Art is a daydream or a nightmare. Its completely relentless, utterly unknowable and yet somehow completely familiar.”
“I think someone started happy hour a wee bit early,” Carlotta leaned stage whispered to the others.
“Well, let's think this out,” Penny said. “We've got this old Egyptian guy with an enormous dick who was rich enough to get the star treatment with a swank tomb and be embalmed and all that jazz... But this is no King Tut. The draw is to see the cock-related stuff and then the thing itself, although I have to believe it's shriveled to pinky size by now...”
“On the contrary,” Julia said. “I've got the slides and I have to say it's still quite stunning. I believe they stuffed it to keep it from losing girth and length.”
“Really?” Phoebe, Carlotta and Penny asked in unison.
“Uh... If I may interrupt,” Ken said, holding his pencil in the air as if waiting to be called upon.
“Oh, Ken,” Julia said. “I forgot you were there.”
“Still here,” Ken said. “I'm thinking we really need to be respectful of our brand and audience. As a family-oriented institution, we need to be careful about how we present and discuss large male organs. I suggest we don't emphasize that aspect at all and instead concentrate on the beautiful art work that goes along with it.”
“Not talk about the cock?” Penny asked.
“Could you not say 'cock?'” Phoebe asked, reddening. “It's really low class.”
“Oh, I'm sorry,” Penny said. “Am I hurting your virgin ears?”
“It is kind of porno lingo,” Carlotta agreed.
“What's pornolingo?” Julia asked. “Is that like cunnilingus?”
“I have a young family,” Ken pleaded. “You do realize that, as with all our other major exhibitions, we need to plan family activities to go along with this.”
“That will be tough,” Julia said, scratching her head.
“So about my statue idea....” Penny said. “I'm trying to think of an angle for members. Maybe only museum members get to peek behind the cloth. Can you imagine how our member numbers would skyrocket? I could make goal for the first time ever!”
“I'm moving ahead with the postcards,” Carlotta said. “Ken, can you have your people design me something sexy to put on cars downtown? We need to get to the people who go to the clubs on weekends. They like sex.”
“What's sexy about a mummified, four thousand year old man?” Ken asked.
“Oh I know,” Phillip said, coming to life again. “How about if you hire some beefcake model and have him wear one of the penile shrouds and nothing else? Like a big G-string. Only it's not all silky and sexy, its got four thousand years of stain and dirt on it and it used to be worn by someone who probably put washing somewhere slightly below flossing on his 'to do' list!”
“You're out of control, Phillip,” Carlotta said.
Phillip stood up. “Am I really, truly needed here? Or can I go back to my office, have a cup of coffee and read about recent discoveries from the Bronze Age? I mean, honestly.”
“As long as you sign off on all of our ideas,” Julia said. “The Director said you need to sign off on them.”
“Fine,” Phillip sputtered. “Make postcards, make a porno, have an orgy. I sign off on it all.”
He stalked from the room, making a show of trying to slam the conference door behind him but, because it was set to close slowly and noiselessly, he only succeeded in causing a moderate click.
“He's really going off the deep end,” Julia said, shaking her head.
“Can you blame him?” Ken asked. “Just the poster for this show kept me up at night.”
“So what should we say if we don't say 'cock?'” Penny asked.
“How about simply saying penis?” Phoebe asked.
Julia, Carlotta and Penny laughed for a full minute, whereupon Ken left the meeting and Phoebe drifted off to the staff lounge to buy a Diet Coke and a Snickers.