Installation 6: Welcome Bagels previous
To:
All Museum Staff
From: Carlotta Cole
Subject: Welcome Bagels
Everyone,
Please join me in welcoming Phoebe Persons to the Marketing and Public Relations Department. Phoebe started two weeks ago in the role of Administrative Assistant to both myself and Julia Brandywine but as I have been extremely busy, I have not been able to provide Welcome Bagels until now.
Bagles and juice will be served in our office suite at 10:00.
Carlotta
Ten minutes before her Welcome Bagels, Phoebe went to the restroom to put on lipstick and check her hair. She spent several minutes fussing before heading back to the office and sitting at her desk, unsure of whether or not there was time to begin a new task. Carlotta came out of her office with a leaking jug of juice and plunked it next to the fax machine. Then she went back into her office to get a bag with grease stains all over it and some tubs of cream cheese.
“They gave me Veggie Schmear, not Honey Walnut,” Carlotta complained. “Those bastards. No one wants Veggie in the morning. Good thing I also got the Plain. But look, it's Reduced Fat!”
“I'm nervous about meeting everyone,” Phoebe said.
Carlotta ignored her and set out Styrofoam cups for the juice.
“I need to get some work done,” she said. “So just introduce yourself to whoever shows.”
“Is Julia coming?” Phoebe asked, looking towards Julia's dark office.
“Hmmm... I'm not sure,” Carlotta said. “I think she said something about the dentist.”
Carlotta shut the door to her office and Phoebe heard her turn on her CD of loon calls, which she needed to have on at all times for its calming effect. For a few minutes Phoebe was alone in the office with only the sound of the loons in the background. Then the perfect woman Phoebe saw her first day while looking for Receiving showed up. She wore the fantastic leather boots again, this time with a gray wraparound dress.
“Hi,” the perfect woman said. “I'm Corey.”
Phoebe had never known an otherwise perfect woman stuck with the name Corey.
“I'm starving,” Corey said. She gently opened the bag of bagels and hoisted one out with manicured nails. “I forgot to eat yesterday.”
“Me, too,” Phoebe said. “So what do you do here?”
“I'm Director of Special Projects,” Corey said. “I'm my own department.”
“What does that mean?” Phoebe asked.
“Why isn't there Honey Walnut Schmear?” Corey asked, looking distressed.
Phoebe didn't have time to answer because a large group of people suddenly pushed into the room, all of them clamoring for a bagel and some juice. Corey slipped out and Phoebe was left with the mob. She stood behind her desk and smiled at everyone. She finally made eye contact with Roy, the guy who delivered the mail.
“Hi, Roy,” Phoebe said.
“Hey, what's up with this whack cream cheese?”
An entire group of guards came in, all of them wearing their cheap guard suits and ties with thick-soled shoes.
“Who's guarding the art,” Mary Ellen Hightower asked. “If you're all up here?”
The bag of bagels was passed around. People stood in little groups, talking to one another as they ate. Phoebe ventured over to the juice and poured herself a glass.
“Hi,” she said to one of the guards. “I'm Phoebe. I guess this is my party.”
“Hey,” the guard said and left.
“Oh, yeah,” Roy said as he left to go back to delivering mail. “I forgot – do you want to go out sometime or what?”
“I don't think so,” Phoebe said. There weren't any bagels left and one of the guards was cleaning out the container of Reduced-Fat Schmear with his fingers.
“Oh, so that's how it is?” Roy asked.
“That's how what is?” Phoebe said.
“You're a tease,” Roy said.
“No, I'm not,” Phoebe said. “I'm just not interested in going out.”
“OK, fine,” Roy said. “Just don't go ordering shoes over the Internet and expect me to deliver them to your desk.”
The room was empty. The bag of bagels lay on the floor, ripped and trampled. A rivulet of juice ran down the side of the table and snaked its way under the fax machine. Phoebe took a packet of tissues from her purse and tried to dry it up.
“Hi,” someone said from behind her.
She looked up. It was the disheveled man from her first day; the one who tried to help her with the copier before she cursed him. He had on a very nice sweater.
“Hi,” Phoebe said.
“I'm Karl from Dec Arts. I got the e-mail about bagels?”
“I'm sorry,” Phoebe said. “They're all gone.”
“That's OK. This is really more of an excuse to get out of my hole and see what's happening in the world. I've got five minutes.”
“Five minutes?”
“Before Elinore wants me back,” he said. “I have to leave a little sign on my desk that says how many minutes I'll be gone and I only get a total of fifteen minutes a day. So I allocated five for this, figuring that I'll still have ten to spend on trips to the bathroom.”
“What about lunch?” Phoebe asked.
“That's a separate time bank,” Karl said.
“That's no way to live,” Phoebe said. “I mean, if you need to spend longer in the bathroom, or if you want to be out talking to someone...”
“She's very particular,” Karl said. “But I get her back by taking extra long lunches when she's traveling.”
“Where do you go?”
“Usually just Chinese places around here,” Karl said. “But last week I went to Hooters.”
“What?”
“Yeah, this guy in Development, Corey Feldman, likes to go there and tries to get a lot of the other guys who work here to go with him,” Karl explained. “It sucked.”
“I'm sure it did,” Phoebe said. She was a little distressed to learn that Karl had gone to Hooters, although it didn't stop her from admiring his glasses and thinking he looked very intelligent.
“No, really,” Karl said. “The food there is bad. Like worse than eating at McDonald's.”
“No one goes there for the food,” Phoebe said.
“I think Corey actually got sick from that lunch,” Karl said. “Bad chicken wings.”
“Did you say Corey Feldman?” Phoebe asked. “ As in Gremlins?”
“I prefer his work in Meatballs 4,” Karl said. “But no, actually this guy just happens to have the same name. It would be better if it were the real Corey Feldman. That guy seems more fun.”
They lapsed into silence. In the quiet, they could hear the loon sounds from Carlotta's office. Karl laughed and pointed to the closed office door with his eyebrows raised, as if to ask, “What the hell is going on in there?” It was at this moment that Carlotta opened the door.
“Wow, what a bunch of pigs,” she said, looking around the room. “Can't they even pick up after themselves?”
“The bagels were a big hit,” Phoebe said.
Carlotta looked at Karl.
“If the bagels are gone, what are you still doing here?” she asked. “Don't you have anything to do?”
“Well,” Karl said, poking at the bagel bag with the toe of his shoe. “I should go.”
“Sure,” Phoebe said. “I should too.”
“See you around.” Karl said and left.
“You need to get these crumbs out of the carpet,” Carlotta said. “And then I need you to type up some meeting minutes and track down some slides for Julia.”
“Sure,” Phoebe said. She bent down to pick at the crumbs. As soon as Carlotta went back into her office Phoebe went over to her desk and looked Karl's extension in the museum's phone directory. Just in case she ever needed to call him.